“It doesn’t matter,” Tommy said,
“I’ve been totally good.
You can’t prove I wasn’t,
Nobody could.
“So there’d better be gifts
For me Christmas Day,
Or you’re gonna be sorry
You got in my way.”
They smiled for the camera
And then Tommy was gone,
Certain he’d have plenty
Of presents come dawn.
As he made his way home
He slashed some car tires,
Broke a few streetlights,
Started several fires.
When he came in the door
His family all hid.
They’d given up trying
To deal with the kid.
Tommy stayed up late,
Well into the night,
He’d had an idea
For a virus to write.
He’d thought of some mischief
Of a most unique kind,
He was programming Facebook
To read everyone’s mind.
It was almost midnight
When he heard a strange sound.
Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
Tommy looked all around.
He walked to the window,
Saw nothing outside.
Looked in the closet,
Only shadows were spied.
“It’s my imagination,
I’m tired is all.
Maybe somebody just
Walked by in the hall.”
Then the noise came again,
Though he thought it absurd.
Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
Was the sound that he heard.
Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
Tommy felt his heart race.
Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
In a deep creepy bass.
Though it came closer,
He refused to flee.
“I know it’s a trick
Someone’s playing on me.
“You’ll be sorry when I find you,”
Was what Tommy said.
Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
From beneath the bed.
Now Tommy was angry,
He dropped to the floor.
He looked under the bed,
And then was no more.
A flash of sharp teeth,
All shiny and white,
And a glimpse of an eye
As black as the night.
No time to scream,
No chance to fight it.
Nom nom nom nom…
And then all was silent.
It was later that night
When Old Saint Nick dropped in,
Checking off his list
With a wise little grin.
Santa left gifts for Mom,
Dad, Sister and Brother.
Even for the cat,
But not for any other.
Christmas morning dawned,
Tommy never came down.
They looked for a while,
But no signs were found.
Tommy’s family relaxed,
Property values went up.
His classmates rejoiced,
Town morale took a jump.
If anyone missed Tommy,
Saying so was resisted.
Soon it was like
He had never existed.
So heed this tale, children,
And remember your place.
If you act like a jackass,
Christmas Shark eats your face.
~The End~
Death of a Snowman
By Michele Mixell
There was a most gruesome scene
In the downtown that day,
What remained of the victim
All slushy & gray.
It was Frosty the Snowman,
Our holiday friend,
Who’d finally met with
A most violent end.
Mrs. Frosty had worried
When the jolly old soul
Hadn’t come home from
A late evening stroll.
The police formed a search, and
In that back alleyway
They found Frosty’s body,
Half melted away.
The Snowman was dead,
A sad end to his song.
Killed by a hot blow-dryer,
And the murderer gone.
As the crowd gathered round
To see for itself,
Evidence was all pointing
To one Misfit Elf.
Beside the mushy remains
Was a red and green cap,
With a name-tag sewn in,
Just under the flap.
The cops knew that the killer
Dropped that festive derby,
And immediately put out
A warrant for Herby.
At Santa’s workshop,
Which was very near,
They found Herby at lunch
With Rudolph the Reindeer.
“All right now, Herby,”
Said the Chief with a grin.
You’ve got no where to run
So just turn yourself in.
“We know you’re the trouble-maker,
That one Misfit Elf.
There’s only one thing I want
To find out for myself.
“We know you bumped off Frosty,
I want to know why.
You and the Snowman were pals,
Everyone loved the guy.”
“You’ve got me all wrong,” Herby said,
“I’ve changed in my ways.
I turned my back on those
Misfit Elf days.
“I gave up on dentistry.
Now I make toys,
Just like everyone else,
For the good girls and boys.”
“Give it up, Elf,” the Chief said
With a big nasty frown.
“We found this hat with your name in
Next to him on the ground.”
“You’re mistaken again,”
Herby shook his head.
“I lent Rudolph that hat,
You want him, instead.”
“That’s a lie,” Rudolph cried.
“You short little freak!
I swear I never borrowed a hat
From this Misfit geek!”
“I’m being set up,” Herby said,
Smiling nervously.
Then he quick as a wink
Snatched a star from the tree.
He stuck the star’s point
Against poor Rudolph’s neck.
“Come any closer, I cut him,”
Was Herby’s threat.
“Let Rudolph go,” growled the Chief,
“You’ve got no way out.
Just let us know what
All this is about.”
“Do you have any idea,” Herby cried,
“How much money I need
To get in dentistry school
And get my degree?
“Everyone told me Frosty
Was the Snowman to see.
We met downtown last night,
About a quarter of three.
“Frosty had his mittens
In all kinds of dealings.
Some under the table
And real close to stealing.
“I wanted for Frosty
To lend me some dough.
But that stuck-up jerk
Only laughed and said no!
“I got mad when he laughed,
I just lost my head!
I pulled out that blow-dryer,
And then Frosty was dead!
“It was an accident I swear,
That I cannot undo.
Now bring me a chopper,
Or I’ll bump off Rudolph, too!!”
Suddenly the Reindeer’s nose flashed,
Blinding the Elf,
And then kicked him into
The Barbie Doll shelf.
Herby lay there a minute,
Lost in a haze.
“You’re going away,” grinned the Chief,
“For the rest of your days.”
“Get on your feet, Elf,
And assume the position.”
“You can’t arrest me,” cried Herby,
“I’m a Christmas tradition!”
The Chief laughed, “Herby,
I don’t give a rat’s tail.
Now rough him up boys,
And then take him to jail!”
There wasn’t a trial
Because of Herby’s confession.
They say he’s now serving
Ten life terms in succession.
A hard lesson to learn,
That there’s nothing more sad
Then to fall at the hand
Of a Misfit Elf gone bad.
-The End
Herby
By Michele Mixell
Up at the North Pole
Five years had gone by
Since one misfit elf
Went violently awry.
That maniacal Herby
Had been rotting in jail
Ever since he sent Frosty
Home in a pail.
He confessed to the murder
And was locked in a cage.
Every day behind bars
Filled Herby with rage.
He said, “It’s all Rudolph’s fault,
That jerk brought this about!
I’d have never confessed,
But he ratted me out!
“He even blew my escape,
He ruined it all!
I’ll chop off his antlers
To mount on my wall!”
“Don’t worry,” his lawyer said.
“We’ll file appeals.”
But Herby still ate
Bread and water for meals.
Every year he wrote Santa
And asked for parole,
But come Christmas day
He got a big box of coal.
“I’ve had it!” he cried.
“I’ll just break out of here!”
So he plotted and planned
For an entire year.
The next Christmas Eve
He put his plan into action.
He set the box of coal on fire
To provide a distraction.
When his cell was unlocked
Herby knocked out the guard,
Then climbed over the fence
That surrounded the yard.
Herby outran the dogs,
Avoided the searchlight.
Then, leaving no trace,
Escaped into the night.
Later on, back at the
Old police station,
The Chief was reviewing
Holiday perpetration.
“There’s trouble in Whoville,”
He said with a frown.
“There’s burglar alarms
Going all over town.”
Just then an officer
Threw open the door.
“Here’s an alert,” he exclaimed,
“That we must not ignore!”
“Holy crap!” cried the Chief
As he looked at the fax.
“I knew that prison’s security
Was seriously lax!”
“Says here an hour after
Herby got loose,
He held up a Mountie,
Then took off on a moose!
“He’s headed up north,
Back to the Pole.
It sounds like he’s snapped
And gone out of control.”
“But why would he return
To the scene of the crime,”
The officer wondered,
“After such a long time?”
“He’s after Rudolph,” said the Chief.
“That’s the connection.
Get that shiny-nosed freak
Into witness protection.”
The cops went to Santa’s
To pick up Rudolph.
Christmas Eve weather was good
And he had the night off.
“The elf’s crazy,” he cried,
As they drove him away.
“He sent threatening letters
Almost every day!”
The Chief said, “We’ll take you
To our secret safe-house.
Nothing gets in there,
Not even a mouse.
“No one’s seen Herby
Since that vicious moose-jacking.
Knowing we have you
Might just send him packing.”
“He won’t run away,”
Rudolph said with a shiver.
“He wants to serve fava
Beans with my liver!”
The Chief and his posse
Left two guards at the door
While inside the safe-house
Rudolph curled up on the floor.
He had begun to relax
When the lights all went out.
“Is anyone there?”
He started to shout.
Rudolph was scared
And he lit up his nose.
Then a short freaky shape
Stepped from the shadows.
There was Herby,
In white coat and mask
And sharp metal tools
To aid with his task.
“No one can help,” he laughed,
“I took care of your pals!
I gave both those cops
Forced root canals!”
“Stay away!” Rudolph shrieked.
“You’re completely insane!”
Herby said, “I’ll pull your teeth,
All without Novocain!
“It’ll take a long time,
Cause I never got trained.
And it’s all your fault
So you’ll be the one pained!”
“All of my plans
You just had to subvert!
Now open wide,
This will really hurt!”
Herby pulled out a drill,
Rudolph started to scream.
Suddenly in burst
The Chief and his team.
The Chief said, “Drop the drill
And step away from the deer!
There’s no way you’ll be able
To escape out of here.”
“NO!” Herby cried.
“You can’t stop me now!
I won’t rest till the reindeer’s
Turned into dog chow!”
“The Chief kicked Herby down.
“Leave Rudolph alone.
This whole mess is nobody’s
Fault but your own.”
Herby just lay on the floor
And started to cackle,
So they put him in a
Straight-jacket and shackles.
The Chief knew Herby’s vengeance
Just would not wait,
And they’d catch him by using
Poor Rudolph as bait.
Rudolph had a breakdown
After all that transpired.
He now lives in Fresno,
Doped-up and retired.
The Chief got a medal
For the success of the trap,
But Rudolph’s family sued him
For making him snap.
Herby didn’t go back to jail,
He was out of his head.
He’s now in an asylum
Upstate instead.
His cell is downstairs
At the end of the hall,
Three sides of stone
And one big glass wall.
He sits there today
And laughs to himself.
A crazy, misfit,
Whack-job of an elf.
-The End
